Me A Ski Instructor?

So I leave in 3 days to land on a mountain in the northern mountains of California, called Mammoth Mountain at Mammoth Lakes, CA. This mountain this weekend got dumped with over 20 feet of snow during a blizzard. Recently having spent three months on the beaches of Florida in 85 degree weather I am not sure if I am prepared to live my days in and out of the snow. But I suppose I shall make do.

I was hired on with this ski school as a ski coordinator, due to the fact that I had only once skied in my life and that being 10 years ago. The plan was for me to learn how to ski over a period of a month or so and then transition into an instructor. Oh how my plans have changed. The school has recently transitioned their positions to conserve time, energy and money and removed coordinators from the mix. In their eyes I was just going to come in as an instructor. Having forgotten during my interview in August that I had very little to no skiing experience they made the switch internally. To my surprise, and slight horror, I received a welcoming email as a new ski instructor.

"Wait a minute, I do not KNOW HOW TO SKI!?"

In due process I called my supervisor and we discussed this slight problem, yeah right 'slight'. The plan of attack now is for me to attend the later training dates and in the mean time while I am there take as many ski lessons as I can. Overall I now have a week to learn how to ski, then I shall be thrust into training and then working. It's going to be an adventure right? At least that's what I keep telling myself....

In my favor I am balanced on water and have surfed, waterskied, windsurfed and SUP'ed for many years. I think this will help me transition to standing on two pieces of plastic while moving at fast speeds down a side of the mountain. Let's pray to God I do not break myself or worse....

Mammoth Mountain Weather

Mammoth Mountain Ski Resort

Igniting A Hope

I have recently been accepted into the Bike the US for MS cycling team. I chose to partake in a self-contained tour of the United States where I carry all of my gear myself and plan out my own route. The fundraising journey began for me a week ago and already the support being shown from family and friends has ignited my dreams into reality.

Meeting 2% of my $4242 fundraising goal in one week is unbelievable. I know for certain by the end of my bike ride I can meet my end goal of a dollar a mile. You have to understand a key point in this: once I chose to be  a self-contained rider my expenses became my responsibility. Biking the US would cost me personally the same amount of money even if I was biking for MS. Biking the US for MS does not benefit my pocketbook.

If you are interested in donating towards the cause (100% of the donations go to benefit MS research/treatment and are tax deductible as our program is a 501c3 tax exempt organization) you can donate online through Google Checkout (look for the button that says "Donate in the Name of Era Keys"):

http://www.biketheusforms.org/cyclists/detail.asp?cid=263 

Donations can also be made using personal checks made out to "Bike the US for MS". Mention that you are donating in the name of Era Keys on the Notes Line. Mail to:
Bike the US for MS
PO Box 10001
Blacksburg, VA 24063

The top goal of this bike ride is to raise awareness about Multiple Sclerosis, a disease that many people do not even know exists. I chose to sit on a bike for 2-3 months riding over 4,242 miles to bring awareness to this disease. Along the way I also plan on doing several service projects that involve assisting  people who have MS.

Here is some information about the specifics of the donations and what it goes towards:


Where do the dollars go?
Bike the US for MS is proud to be a 501c3 tax exempt non-profit organization (Tax ID# 27-2192426) that is growing exponentially.  We are a very well managed non-profit with approximately 90 cents of every dollar spent directly on MS activities and a fight for the cure.

About MS:

• There is currently no cure for Multiple Sclerosis
• Multiple Sclerosis is a chronic, disabling disease that attacks the central nervous system.
• In the United States, there are approximately 400,000 people with MS - with 200 more people diagnosed every week. Worldwide, MS affects more then 2.5 million people.

Research & Treatment:
Since 2007 Bike the US for MS has raised more than $300,000 for research and treatment related to Multiple Sclerosis. To date, much of the fundraising has gone to benefit the James Q. Miller MS Clinic in Charlottesville, VA.  There is no current cure for multiple sclerosis. Treatment typically focuses on strategies to treat attacks, to modify the course of the disease, and to treat symptoms. Important breakthroughs in MS medications over the years has directly benefited those fighting the disease and researched funded by Bike the US for MS makes this possible.

Patient & Community Service:
Bike the US for MS is committed to making the lives of those with MS better in every possible aspect.  This involves many different types of patient services such as home modification projects funded across the United States, “home makeovers” done by the cyclists throughout the summer, and working with our affiliate Rake the US for MS to clean patient’s yards in the fall.

Package I received in the mail with my fundraising materials: T-shirt, stickers, keychain, business cards and a water bottle (not displayed).

Power

Power as defined by Wikipedia:

"Power is frequently defined by political scientists as the ability to influence the behavior of others with or without resistance. The term authority is often used for power perceived as legitimate by the social structure. Power can be seen as evil or unjust, but the exercise of power is accepted as endemic to humans as social beings.
The use of power need not involve coercion (force or the threat of force). At one extreme, it more closely resembles what everyday English-speakers call "influence", although some authors make a distinction between power and influence – the means by which power is used (Handy, C. 1993 Understanding Organisations)."

I believe there are two different types of power out there: the loud power and the quiet power. The loud power tends to emit itself in a flashy show of defiance. The quiet power is an internal strength that flows from within the   soul. Imagine the loud power like a super model strutting down the walkway shouting, "Look at me! Look at me!" The quiet power is the smell that old books from the library holds over the dedicated reader or the crave for sand under their feet from the beach-lover. Each do the same thing: influence, impact, sway or effect.

Look at powerful people in politics. How did they get into the position of power they strove for? They influenced a group of people to put them there. In most circumstances the people had not idea what their moral or ethical background was, let alone what their platform truly consisted of. The people put them there because of the mass marketing success of that candidate. 

How did Obama win four years ago? He held one of the strongest weapons in this world; influence. How did he accomplish this? He worked an avenue not a single candidate before him worked: social media. Alongside of his dashingly motivating speeches and grand promises Obama influenced an entire nation to vote YES for the first black president. 

So why am I rambling on about politics, types of power or any of these such things? Because I believe in the power of an individual. Because I believe that in our society, not enough people support a positive view of each other enough. Because I believe that there are good people, doing good things in this world. Because I have witnessed all of the above, more times then I can count on my hands or feet or even those of 25 people. 

And I think that we can do something more about this...

Society demands so many different unhealthy ideas to develop within ourselves. Society holds such a damning power over us. Influencing us to throw up everything we eat to reach that ultimate weight to playing "the game" to appear like a bad-ass instead of just being who you are. It's crazy to think that we are constantly changing who we are, what we wear, how we think, what we do, who we hang with, down to what color to paint our nails because of what a social circle thinks. What ever happened to just loving who you are and being ok with that?

I want to say that instead of putting down your best friend with a joke, you should tell him/her how much that shirt looks good on them that day. Instead of putting yourself down in your head, try to accept everything about yourself. Because in the end it is truly ok to be who you are. Instead of being paranoid and scared of the world or strangers around you, say hi to a neighbor. 

Think about it. How are you influencing those around you? How are you influencing yourself? What is your power?

Pubcrawl via Bicycle

Who knew that you could cycle around Portland to your next bar with 14 of your closest friends? After signing up to join the bike ride, our expectations could not prepare me for the fun to come. Once meeting up with the great group of people, sailboat racers and world-travelers, who we were going to cycle with we all jumped abroad the massive bike constructed of wood and metal. This top heavy beast moved speedily through the streets topping off at grand 5 mph. We were flying! With the remarks from our fellow cyclist we snailed up the hill to our first stop: Lucky Lab. The pizza by the slice and hand-crafted beer filled our bellies with deliciousness. With a solid carb load we moved onwards! Our bike was pointed in the direction of Caps n'Corks with our tummies ready for a fully stocked bar. Once arriving at our stop our cute bartender convinced me and my gals to pair our bottled brew with a tumbler of brandy. On my. Let the drunkness begin! So now with stinging lips, a stumble to our walk and a smile on our face we biked to our last destination: Bridgeport. Here we stopped to admire the several story bar and resturant. Sadly brandy was on our drink list again, paired with a seasonal brew. This concluded our pubcrawl via a bicycle. We pedaled back to our cars, stumbling from alcohol and smiling from a good time had. An adventure for all involved...

www.brewcycleportland.com

Freedom is Becoming My Tagline

As I move further into my new life I am quickly assimilating the term freedom into my being. Freedom from certain ideals, body images, negative people, society's demands, civilation and from the pre-determined path set before every young adult. I will walk the path I determine for myself; relishing in the glory and learning from the consequences. Love is my cape with adventure as my compass. Money gets me to the experiences and wit makes them worthwhile.
Jump into these words and realize who I am now world. I take no prisoners due to the fact I clearly don't have the packing space. Get me or get the hell out of my way. This is it.

Impacts

Leaving the land of the trees early has created an imbalance in my life. I was not fully prepared mentally or physically to join civilization again. The constant battle to remember to apply deodorant, take showers daily (not lake showers), wear clean clothes everyday, and the chaotic chatter of social media and internet playing tricks on my mind; puts me in a black hole of confusion. I catch myself just staring at people sometimes. I have a running list in my head of what I need to do everyday. Routine what are you and why are you so hard to obtain again?

When I left I was anxious, nervous and bloody tired. What I did not realize was the impact I had on several people throughout the whole summer. After reading through the goodbye card I was emotional with tears. It was not just young girl's lives I had altered but the young, strong and powerful life changers I worked alongside with. Wow. I was an inspiration and motivator? The thank you's and powerful literature on my card came as a complete surprise. When moving my last bag into the car and walking out of the office for the last time I ran into Tenaya, a leader who was a role model and strong positive influence on me the whole summer. She came up to me, hugged me and stated that I was one of the most powerful role models in her life. That because of me she had a summer filled with growth. Woah. And that was not the only peer who stated the same words to me.

Me, a role model? I still have so far to go and so much yet to learn. I grow, expand, flex and bend as the circumstances demand. My path winds itself before me. My ultimate goal is not only to create a positive growing environment for me but for those around me as well. I finally realized that my goal is beginning to be met.


There is still so much further for me to go, but the journey seems passable now. As I drive away from the land of trees, laughter, and growth I know that another summer has changed me forever more...

Candlelight My Way to the Future

Another week has passed in the forests of Northern California. Many challenges were put in my way this week: losing a staff member, a friend being fired, being incredibly sick for 2 days and fighting to move past all of these obstacles. I ended the week with a positive attitude and the hope for next session, so something went right...?

I was honored to have the chance to light a candle at the CIT's graduation this week. Walking up to a rock on the piccale of Deer Lake (Toyiabe Rock) while following the eerie light of cans of candles on the path I was grounded by the memories upon memories. The CIT that chose me for her candle-lighter truly looked up to me as a leader and as a person. Wow, what a privilege to be such a role model. This is my second time as a candle-lighter in my 4 years here at CDL. The last time I lit a CIT named Scout's  candle. This year I lit Thistle's candle.

After many tears and as many laughs, the group left the rock and headed to the dining hall where the after-party began. Memories washed over me of the times with Scout at her ceremony. Then it hit me, she's gone now. I held back a bay of tears and pushed them away to be able to celebrate the moment and not the past. I was there for Thistle, not Scout.

Next week brings more girls into my life, more challenges (ACA) and more good, fun positive times. Here I come session 4!

Break? What do you mean time off?

Who knew that when you get 20 camp counselors together that a nuclear bomb would explode in a cloud of alcohol, sex and laughter? Standing on the sidelines fending off dive bombs of kisses and grind-ons I stated numerous times, "Is this happening???"

Well it happened. Yes, it did. What a great memory to tell in future years; sitting around a campfire, laying under the stars and giggling like little girls under the swaying trees. This is going down in the history books people.

What amazing people I am surrounded by to be able to come together and to make such great events happen in my life.

Today is the day after, many are being told of the occurrences and others are quietly crawling away to a dark corner to nurse the massive hangover. Me, I sit in a cafe drinking espresso, eating a bagel while quietly smiling to myself in the wonder of the beauty of last night...

Starting our break off right with a glass of summer wine and hand tossed pizza.

Girls, Girls, Girls

My life in the mountains of the Sierra Nevadas in Cali have progressed quickly. The past 13 days were filled with lake showers, funyaking, canoeing, swimming, windsurfing, hiking, candy, and amazing memories. The girls came in a whirlwind of energy and excitement. Then left just as quickly. Walking through the trails of camp between program blocks girls would shout my name and run to quickly give me a hug. Yes, the reason I am here has been fulfilled. Every year that I am granted the privilege to work in these mountains with these girls I am taught so much. I am honored that these wonderful young ladies can still shape me and teach me ways.

Being a supervisor of other staff this year is different. I am learning the ways of a leader: boundaries, support, direction, self-care, and maintenance. My waterfront runs smoothly, but I still believe I can do more.

Craziness in the office, Waffle made a butcher paper skirt. Is that my hand down your skirt?? ;)

Floating campfire on the lake, one of the best ways to end a great week with amazing girls.

Protein? I gotta climb ladders to get me some drive thru...

The opportunities in life have shaped me. This opportunity has changed me. I feel different this year, in a new, bright and shiny way. Every blessing I am learning to take in and feel the significance of it. Without those moments how can one live life in peace and joy?

Lessons to be Learned

Life sometimes hands out particular lessons, or pills, that are hard to swallow. Those big ole horse pills are shoved down, waterslide down or gracefully descend of their own accord. Well dammit I want the power to determine that. But I suppose God thinks otherwise.
In the event of a hardship, a person has two choices: to either turn the bow of their ship towards the giant wave and hope to end on the other side in one piece or to throw their anchor out knowing they won't make it through. I have made the first choice at the last second sometimes, and other times right away.
I choose to grow from these pills and waves. Sometimes with pain, others with resistence. I also have depended on others around me to guide me through these moments and to help me point the bow of my ship the correct way...
Lord grant me the strength I need in these moments. Amen.

The Week of Creating Life Savers

I arrived in Cali the 13th of June. From the 15th to the 24th I circumspent 3 facilities' waterfront staff to prepare them for a summer of campers. It began with Skylark to Bothin to Sugar Pine and now it ends with my facility Deer Lake. Those 9 days were the most demanding days I have experienced for awhile. While pushing my physical and mental boundaries I met and learned about some amazing people. Some people that will continue to be in my life past this summer. I am glad for the opportunity to come out to Cali early and do what I love and share my passion with others. I am grateful to receive this opportunity.
Last night I arrived at Deer Lake. This morning I hiked my waterfronts and revealed in the beauty of the Sierras. I am excited for the summer and am peaceful to be doing what I love.
My plan is to buy a mountainbike, sling my hammock and set up a laundry line to set up my 2 month home here. Life is content, my surroundings goregeous and my peers sarcastic and welcoming. Come on summer!

The Weekend of Conquering Fears

This weekend was filled with some life changing emotions, and emotional control. It started with a BBQ at Forest Park in St. Louis, MO with some friends. There was frisbee, hot dogs, beer and generally a great time. After the cops drove by and told us to vacate the park we shifted to Alison and Aubrie's house where the drinking fun began! Let's just say the promises we made ourselves about waking up early the next morning to go climbing were quickly broken. HA!

Saturday consisted of climbing 5.9's, 10's and a roof where it literally took 9 of us to rig someone back onto the route. Alison and Taylor are definitely champs to sit in their harnesses so long on that route. Oh yeah Patti is a 'goddess' and showed everyone up on the Snake's Roof by climbing that in a short period of time and looking like a pro with minimal sweat action.

The conquering of fear began this day for me. I starting climbing a 5.9 (which in the past I was lead climbing without a problem) and had a panic attack. Mick, my belay, talked me down. I was ashamed and slightly shook. But still continued to have a good time the rest of the day.

We drove to Carbondale and appeared at Thatti and Gabe's house around midnight where Alison, Aubs and I were so tired we were slap happy. After about 2 hours of making, eating and fighting out mac n cheese with hot dogs, dancing, laughing til we cried and overall making a fool of ourselves bed became our bitches.

The next (late) morning we ate a hearty breakfast at a vegan cafe, mmmmmm, and began our adventure to Kinkaid Lake. On the way out there the blowing up of inflatable rafts and constantly asking "Are we going the right way?" lead us to a parking lot in the middle of a corn field. We hiked around an hour to suddenly appear on a side of a cliff facing a gorgeous lake. This was going to be fun.

Stripping and swimming over to the 5.10a route on the side of the cliff, we met a group of our friends who had been there for awhile. A harness bag filled with beer, 2 bottles of Barefoot was 'binered to a raft that was 'binered to another raft, to another one to a rope to a rock. They knew how to make a proper float city.

After watching multiple attempts, some successful and some not, a few shots of Barefoot and tequila, I made my way over to a scramble section of the cliff. There I began to traverse over a section of the cliff hanging over trees and rocks. Here I met my fear again.

I was at this point where I had climbed high enough that if I fell it would not have ended well, but I had one part left that was super sketchy and I panicked. Thatti was there and talked me through the whole process to the point where I took big breathes and powered through. I was so proud of myself!!

Well now I had to cliff dive. Shit. So I laid there for a bit to 'gain my strength back' aka try not to pussy out of this. I eventually took everyone by surprise by leaping off the edge failing my legs about and landed in the lake.

'WOOOHOOOOOOOO!' It was amazing! I did it! Needless to say I had gotten rid of the fear within me from breaking my ankle climbing and am actually going to SoIll, local rock climbing gym, to test out this new found strength.

I am incredibly proud of myself and excited that I was able to dispel this internal fear of climbing. I am grateful for the friends surrounding me to talk me through and just support me in general. What a great life I lead...

Jackson Falls/Kinkaid Lake

Jackson Falls/Kinkaid Lake, a set on Flickr.

Not a whole lot of pictures of this weekend but high quality ones. Enjoy the video as well ;)

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Today I divided my belongings into the 'keep' pile and the 'I will cart this around for awhile' pile. Need-less-to-say I did not put many objects into the second pile. I hope to reduce the amount of bags later on by purchasing a bigger duffle bag to keep everything in.

Wait I forgot to tell where I am flying to! Off to Cali this weekend to begin the adventures of nomad Era. I hope to travel and live on the road for awhile. Hopping from one adventure to the other.

Purple bag is full of outdoor equipment, no surprise there. The duffle bag is full of the clothing and odds and ends that made the cut.

  Now you should see the disaster I have left to clean up from the sorting process, yikes. 

Spain 2012 Condensed Updates

You may have read these updates on facebook; however, some people, ironically, don't have social media. These do describe my time in Spain quite accurately though. So here are the stories you all have been waiting to hear...

May 9, 2012

Day 2 of 4 in Madrid Spain Update:

Started the day late with a great mid-day meal prepared by my host Miguel Enrique Sepulveda Garcia. Started off walking towards downtown, or what I thought was downtown. Ended up walking in the wrong direction and getting lost for several hours. Best thing to do! Saw some amazing statues and parks. Sat down and ate helado in a park and just read, wrote and people watched for an hour. Engrossed myself in spanish by venturing out alone today and talking to people in the shops and streets. Ended the night with leftovers, mmm, and chilling. Cannot wait for tomorrow!!!

May 10, 2012

Day 3 of 4 in Madrid, Espana Update:

Another late night last night, which meant waking up into the mid-afternoon today. I feel as if my body still is not adjusted to Madrid time but I am powering through with strong cafe and great meals. I finally found downtown by myself today! Was out exploring for several hours with the camera. Went to the Royale Palace, Plaza de Meyor and the Universidad de Design. Once my feet starting burning I sat on a park bench at the palace and read, wrote and people watched for a couple of hours. Went to a party at the universidad, free booze! Now I am about to go out into the night to experience the bar scene. Excellente dia!

May 12, 2012

Day 5 of 4, Madrid, Espana:

I'm suppose to leave today but experiencing some technical difficulties on the body front. Maybe I will take a late bus out of Madrid today. I know for sure today that I will be coming back to Spain for the people I have met here alone.

Day 1 of 4 Aranda de Duero, Espana:

Bus ride flew by today! Stepping off the bus I was greeted with open arms from my host Michelle. We then sped off to a friends house to enjoy good food, good wine and great conversation. Ended up talking into the wee hours of the night. Such generous people I have met during my time here in Espana. I cannot wait to explore this little town in the morning! Buenas!

May 13, 2012

Day 2 of 4 Aranda de Duero, Espana:

Amazing, amazing day! I am also staying with 2 cyclist from France. They have been touring the world for 3 years! Great people to converse with, I am constantly surprised by how much I am learning during this trip. I went on a 10 mile hike today. It was great to be at peace with nature again. I cooked a delicious meal for everyone for dinner, great wine btw too. Tomorrow I am visiting a vineyard that has great wine and olive oil. I am such a lucky person!

May 14

Day 3 of 4 Aranda de Duero:

Today was amazing. Pure and simple. I went out with a handdrawn map and the advice of my host in search of this vineyard. After going off instinct I discovered it; however, it was closed for the day. No matter, I kept walking until a meadow where I napped, ate and read away the afternoon to the songs of the birds. On my way back I tripped across a teeny tiny trail to a river. Here I swam naked and got throughly cooled and muddy. 

After the afternoon of soloing, we all headed back into the country for tea with the spiritual man of the town. Although I understand spanish at such a basic level, what he was saying rang true to me. I am still recovering from his wisdom. I have forever been changed.

May 15, 2012

Day 4 of 4 Aranda de Duero:

Simple day today. Slept in and then spent the afternoon with my host Michelle. We took a dip in the river, mucho frio! Then we layed in the sun and just talked. I have learned so much about who I am here in Aranda. Ended the day with a beautiful dinner prepared by Michelle. Tomorrow I jump on a bus to San Sebastian where the sea shall rule my days. I cannot wait to eat some of their famous seafood! Buenas!

May 16, 2012

San Sebastian Day 1 of 3:

Hopped on a bus today and 4.5 hours later ended up in this heaven called San Sebastian. Its is absoluetly perfect here. Nature, mountains, ocean, bay, old world charm, great wine and amazing food. I might just live here in the future. Found a hostel at a great price, now time for nap so that I can experience the nightlife here. Adios!

May 18, 2012

San Sebastian Day 3 of 4:

No update yesterday because it was jammed packed with adventures. I convinced 2 aussies, 2 new zealanders, and 2 americans to go on a 9km hike up a mountain to a small town called San Pedro. All of them but me and a new zealander unfortunately wore flip flops. With a hungover state, limited water, no food and improper clothing this 3 hour hike destroyed them all. However the gorgeous scenic views and amazing company made this one of the best hikes of my life. The quote of the day from me is "I am such a lucky girl!!" I jump on a bus tomorrow to Granada for some more beach time and to visit some friends. Woohoo!

May 19, 2012

San Sebastian Day 4 of 4:

Rainy day today. But this allowed me to recover from last night. Went out to the bars at 10pm and went to sleep at 7am. Convinced a group of french guys in a mixed conversation of english, spanish and french to leave one bar to go to another. Got an entire bar of locals dancing, which lead to a free shot from the bartender. A group of local women asked me to dance with them and then consisted to teach me how to salsa. Walked along the playa watching a thunderstorm roll in. Then ended my night with a great conversation with an aussie. I'm off on a bus to Granada in a few hours for more adventures!

May 20, 2012

Day 1 of 4 Granada:

I now know what hobos experiemce in a day. After a straight 20 hours or traveling I arrived in the wee hours of the morning. Balancing out a solid 5 hours of sleep in 48 hours Max picked me up from the bus station. We then commenced to walked aroumd an hour into/around the city looking for a cafe open on a sunday morning. Churros con chocolate were delicious; however did no work. Slept on a park bench, then moved due to rain. Said screw it and decided to find a hostel. Finally was able to check in at 12:30, 3.5 hours of sleeping in their lobby later. Now I sit in the sun with some sleep, shower and food under my belt. Life is looking a bit better now.

May 22, 2012

Day whatever:

Tried of updating, I need to get a blog for this shiz. I'm alive people. Going into the backcountry tomorrow for 3 days. Biking, hiking and sleeping under the stars in the Sierra Nevadas. Thank goodness I don't have to be around people. I might have hit my bullshit meter limit. Be back by monday, possibly...

May 24, 2012

Update:

Ok I released that demon into the wild. After a stint in the foothills, scouting for wild herbs for dinner, 2 nights falling asleep to the twinkling of the stars and swimming in crystal clear snowmelt my soul is in better spirits. I am exploring the wild caves this afternoon, the heat will be gone by then. Tomorrow I travel back to Madrid for nights filled with salsa dancing, wine and amazing company. Oh Spain you have treated me well, but we shall embrace again!

May 27, 2012

Spent the day fighting this cold. But Miguel was a saint and took care of my whining ass all day. Then Agustin made a beautiful dinner. Katarina just left from my final send off before I fly out in the morning. What amazing people I have had the honor to meet and become friends with! I am so grateful right now. Off to sleep so that I can function on the 12 hour flight...

Spain 2012 Journal Entries

These are some journal entries during my travels in Spain:

I rise. I fall. I see. I hear.

But I begin to fear the touch

of everlasting warmth.

My shield consists of crystals

of ice, tearing those who choose

to touch. WHy yield to the negative

swirl of thoughtless emotions?

Why sway the positive to negative

during the fear of consuming light?

I believe I am protecting myself,

but I sit in my cocoon of 

falsities begging for my self 

to proclaim me. I need to tear

these artificial needs from the

silken threads of confinement

and burst forth as a butterfly

anew.

Anew, why does this stir a 

deeper want, no need in my

frigid soul. I have to apologize

but I don't feel as if that 

is enough to satisfy.

I want to heal people. Physically and spiritually. I need to learn about the healing arts of plants. I need to figure out how to begin. The start of any problem is my toughest part. After that the solution seems to display itself before me. Life is about the same way. I fumble in the dark for the light switch, once I find it everything is lit around me. It is open for the discoveries. 

I stand here marveling in the glory of it's beauty. The ocean breathes; filling her lungs with the ebbing tide. Her lungs expand outward, she holds her breath, knowing what is to come. It begins as a whisper of release, then she cannot hold it in anymore and her breath erupts in a crash of foam.

My eyes hurt with the beauty of this place. I am in love. This is meant to be.

"observe the mind. smile at it." Power of Now (54)

I find myself constantly doing that. I feel a release by this - I am allowing my mind to be, it doesn't like that reaction - which tends to make me laugh out loud, literally. People are always asking me why I am laughing. My reply tends to be 'I'm laughing at myself.' Which I am but if only they truly knew.

In the past I have acted like a peacock - displaying my best feathers to those who were better. Instead of being humble I built myself a cloak of power, parading my best qualities around. But there was a deep-seated fear behind that veil. I now accept my faults. I now accept all of me. I now forgive. Now I need to humble myself before the world of pure is-ness and kneel so that my true power of love can manifest itself within me and as me. The humane will see this and proper journeys will show themselves. I don't need a specific place or more time to learn more about myself. The TIME is now. Release. Forgive. Accept.

Love for me is complete acceptance. The desire for me to be able to stand stark naked without the cloak of shame, without the cloak of guilt or sadness or avoidance. In that nakedness all of my faults, guilts, frustrations, and quirks are alined into words. My past, present, and future meet into one moment of clarity. In this nakedness I am completely accepted by myself within myself. That is true love of oneself. Love through someone else would be for them to see all of that nakedness, truth and self-acceptance. To be able to stand in that moment with or without their cloaks. To see the utter peace and truth in the still lake of my eyes. To then nod and walk away. A clarity passes from one heart to the other. No lies. Truth. Acceptance.

A partnership is like two prisms. Each partner is a prism reflecting the other's light. There is no absorption of light within the confines of the crystal. The true essence of a prism is to retract light in a different matter. A person's light is the elixir of their being. Even within light hides shadows. The beauty of the prism is that no specific portion of the light is selected to pass through. Every part of the light is retracted. It passes through and continues to shine. The light is slightly different because it has had the ability, the honor to be slightly shaped by the prism. But the core of what the light truly is stays pure to itself. That is a true partnership. 

FEAR. FEAR. FEAR. fear. fear…

What a weird word. Why place two vowels next to each other? Why does such a small insignificant word hold such a damning power? It dictates decisions. Dictates love. It dictates relationships. Fear is an instigator. That troubled boy on the playground whispering into the ear of the bully words condemning him to live in his shame, pushing the girl to tiptoe up to death asking for mercy from life, giving logic to monsters in our minds and pills of greed to our egos. It can be a MONSTER or it can be an ant. One is scary. Hard to concur. The other is manageable. Easily squashed. The size is dependent on the thinker. 

Spain 2012

Spain 2012, a set on Flickr.

Photos from my recent adventure in Spain, May 2012.