The Weekend of Conquering Fears

This weekend was filled with some life changing emotions, and emotional control. It started with a BBQ at Forest Park in St. Louis, MO with some friends. There was frisbee, hot dogs, beer and generally a great time. After the cops drove by and told us to vacate the park we shifted to Alison and Aubrie's house where the drinking fun began! Let's just say the promises we made ourselves about waking up early the next morning to go climbing were quickly broken. HA!

Saturday consisted of climbing 5.9's, 10's and a roof where it literally took 9 of us to rig someone back onto the route. Alison and Taylor are definitely champs to sit in their harnesses so long on that route. Oh yeah Patti is a 'goddess' and showed everyone up on the Snake's Roof by climbing that in a short period of time and looking like a pro with minimal sweat action.

The conquering of fear began this day for me. I starting climbing a 5.9 (which in the past I was lead climbing without a problem) and had a panic attack. Mick, my belay, talked me down. I was ashamed and slightly shook. But still continued to have a good time the rest of the day.

We drove to Carbondale and appeared at Thatti and Gabe's house around midnight where Alison, Aubs and I were so tired we were slap happy. After about 2 hours of making, eating and fighting out mac n cheese with hot dogs, dancing, laughing til we cried and overall making a fool of ourselves bed became our bitches.

The next (late) morning we ate a hearty breakfast at a vegan cafe, mmmmmm, and began our adventure to Kinkaid Lake. On the way out there the blowing up of inflatable rafts and constantly asking "Are we going the right way?" lead us to a parking lot in the middle of a corn field. We hiked around an hour to suddenly appear on a side of a cliff facing a gorgeous lake. This was going to be fun.

Stripping and swimming over to the 5.10a route on the side of the cliff, we met a group of our friends who had been there for awhile. A harness bag filled with beer, 2 bottles of Barefoot was 'binered to a raft that was 'binered to another raft, to another one to a rope to a rock. They knew how to make a proper float city.

After watching multiple attempts, some successful and some not, a few shots of Barefoot and tequila, I made my way over to a scramble section of the cliff. There I began to traverse over a section of the cliff hanging over trees and rocks. Here I met my fear again.

I was at this point where I had climbed high enough that if I fell it would not have ended well, but I had one part left that was super sketchy and I panicked. Thatti was there and talked me through the whole process to the point where I took big breathes and powered through. I was so proud of myself!!

Well now I had to cliff dive. Shit. So I laid there for a bit to 'gain my strength back' aka try not to pussy out of this. I eventually took everyone by surprise by leaping off the edge failing my legs about and landed in the lake.

'WOOOHOOOOOOOO!' It was amazing! I did it! Needless to say I had gotten rid of the fear within me from breaking my ankle climbing and am actually going to SoIll, local rock climbing gym, to test out this new found strength.

I am incredibly proud of myself and excited that I was able to dispel this internal fear of climbing. I am grateful for the friends surrounding me to talk me through and just support me in general. What a great life I lead...

Jackson Falls/Kinkaid Lake

Jackson Falls/Kinkaid Lake, a set on Flickr.

Not a whole lot of pictures of this weekend but high quality ones. Enjoy the video as well ;)

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Today I divided my belongings into the 'keep' pile and the 'I will cart this around for awhile' pile. Need-less-to-say I did not put many objects into the second pile. I hope to reduce the amount of bags later on by purchasing a bigger duffle bag to keep everything in.

Wait I forgot to tell where I am flying to! Off to Cali this weekend to begin the adventures of nomad Era. I hope to travel and live on the road for awhile. Hopping from one adventure to the other.

Purple bag is full of outdoor equipment, no surprise there. The duffle bag is full of the clothing and odds and ends that made the cut.

  Now you should see the disaster I have left to clean up from the sorting process, yikes. 

Spain 2012 Condensed Updates

You may have read these updates on facebook; however, some people, ironically, don't have social media. These do describe my time in Spain quite accurately though. So here are the stories you all have been waiting to hear...

May 9, 2012

Day 2 of 4 in Madrid Spain Update:

Started the day late with a great mid-day meal prepared by my host Miguel Enrique Sepulveda Garcia. Started off walking towards downtown, or what I thought was downtown. Ended up walking in the wrong direction and getting lost for several hours. Best thing to do! Saw some amazing statues and parks. Sat down and ate helado in a park and just read, wrote and people watched for an hour. Engrossed myself in spanish by venturing out alone today and talking to people in the shops and streets. Ended the night with leftovers, mmm, and chilling. Cannot wait for tomorrow!!!

May 10, 2012

Day 3 of 4 in Madrid, Espana Update:

Another late night last night, which meant waking up into the mid-afternoon today. I feel as if my body still is not adjusted to Madrid time but I am powering through with strong cafe and great meals. I finally found downtown by myself today! Was out exploring for several hours with the camera. Went to the Royale Palace, Plaza de Meyor and the Universidad de Design. Once my feet starting burning I sat on a park bench at the palace and read, wrote and people watched for a couple of hours. Went to a party at the universidad, free booze! Now I am about to go out into the night to experience the bar scene. Excellente dia!

May 12, 2012

Day 5 of 4, Madrid, Espana:

I'm suppose to leave today but experiencing some technical difficulties on the body front. Maybe I will take a late bus out of Madrid today. I know for sure today that I will be coming back to Spain for the people I have met here alone.

Day 1 of 4 Aranda de Duero, Espana:

Bus ride flew by today! Stepping off the bus I was greeted with open arms from my host Michelle. We then sped off to a friends house to enjoy good food, good wine and great conversation. Ended up talking into the wee hours of the night. Such generous people I have met during my time here in Espana. I cannot wait to explore this little town in the morning! Buenas!

May 13, 2012

Day 2 of 4 Aranda de Duero, Espana:

Amazing, amazing day! I am also staying with 2 cyclist from France. They have been touring the world for 3 years! Great people to converse with, I am constantly surprised by how much I am learning during this trip. I went on a 10 mile hike today. It was great to be at peace with nature again. I cooked a delicious meal for everyone for dinner, great wine btw too. Tomorrow I am visiting a vineyard that has great wine and olive oil. I am such a lucky person!

May 14

Day 3 of 4 Aranda de Duero:

Today was amazing. Pure and simple. I went out with a handdrawn map and the advice of my host in search of this vineyard. After going off instinct I discovered it; however, it was closed for the day. No matter, I kept walking until a meadow where I napped, ate and read away the afternoon to the songs of the birds. On my way back I tripped across a teeny tiny trail to a river. Here I swam naked and got throughly cooled and muddy. 

After the afternoon of soloing, we all headed back into the country for tea with the spiritual man of the town. Although I understand spanish at such a basic level, what he was saying rang true to me. I am still recovering from his wisdom. I have forever been changed.

May 15, 2012

Day 4 of 4 Aranda de Duero:

Simple day today. Slept in and then spent the afternoon with my host Michelle. We took a dip in the river, mucho frio! Then we layed in the sun and just talked. I have learned so much about who I am here in Aranda. Ended the day with a beautiful dinner prepared by Michelle. Tomorrow I jump on a bus to San Sebastian where the sea shall rule my days. I cannot wait to eat some of their famous seafood! Buenas!

May 16, 2012

San Sebastian Day 1 of 3:

Hopped on a bus today and 4.5 hours later ended up in this heaven called San Sebastian. Its is absoluetly perfect here. Nature, mountains, ocean, bay, old world charm, great wine and amazing food. I might just live here in the future. Found a hostel at a great price, now time for nap so that I can experience the nightlife here. Adios!

May 18, 2012

San Sebastian Day 3 of 4:

No update yesterday because it was jammed packed with adventures. I convinced 2 aussies, 2 new zealanders, and 2 americans to go on a 9km hike up a mountain to a small town called San Pedro. All of them but me and a new zealander unfortunately wore flip flops. With a hungover state, limited water, no food and improper clothing this 3 hour hike destroyed them all. However the gorgeous scenic views and amazing company made this one of the best hikes of my life. The quote of the day from me is "I am such a lucky girl!!" I jump on a bus tomorrow to Granada for some more beach time and to visit some friends. Woohoo!

May 19, 2012

San Sebastian Day 4 of 4:

Rainy day today. But this allowed me to recover from last night. Went out to the bars at 10pm and went to sleep at 7am. Convinced a group of french guys in a mixed conversation of english, spanish and french to leave one bar to go to another. Got an entire bar of locals dancing, which lead to a free shot from the bartender. A group of local women asked me to dance with them and then consisted to teach me how to salsa. Walked along the playa watching a thunderstorm roll in. Then ended my night with a great conversation with an aussie. I'm off on a bus to Granada in a few hours for more adventures!

May 20, 2012

Day 1 of 4 Granada:

I now know what hobos experiemce in a day. After a straight 20 hours or traveling I arrived in the wee hours of the morning. Balancing out a solid 5 hours of sleep in 48 hours Max picked me up from the bus station. We then commenced to walked aroumd an hour into/around the city looking for a cafe open on a sunday morning. Churros con chocolate were delicious; however did no work. Slept on a park bench, then moved due to rain. Said screw it and decided to find a hostel. Finally was able to check in at 12:30, 3.5 hours of sleeping in their lobby later. Now I sit in the sun with some sleep, shower and food under my belt. Life is looking a bit better now.

May 22, 2012

Day whatever:

Tried of updating, I need to get a blog for this shiz. I'm alive people. Going into the backcountry tomorrow for 3 days. Biking, hiking and sleeping under the stars in the Sierra Nevadas. Thank goodness I don't have to be around people. I might have hit my bullshit meter limit. Be back by monday, possibly...

May 24, 2012

Update:

Ok I released that demon into the wild. After a stint in the foothills, scouting for wild herbs for dinner, 2 nights falling asleep to the twinkling of the stars and swimming in crystal clear snowmelt my soul is in better spirits. I am exploring the wild caves this afternoon, the heat will be gone by then. Tomorrow I travel back to Madrid for nights filled with salsa dancing, wine and amazing company. Oh Spain you have treated me well, but we shall embrace again!

May 27, 2012

Spent the day fighting this cold. But Miguel was a saint and took care of my whining ass all day. Then Agustin made a beautiful dinner. Katarina just left from my final send off before I fly out in the morning. What amazing people I have had the honor to meet and become friends with! I am so grateful right now. Off to sleep so that I can function on the 12 hour flight...

Spain 2012 Journal Entries

These are some journal entries during my travels in Spain:

I rise. I fall. I see. I hear.

But I begin to fear the touch

of everlasting warmth.

My shield consists of crystals

of ice, tearing those who choose

to touch. WHy yield to the negative

swirl of thoughtless emotions?

Why sway the positive to negative

during the fear of consuming light?

I believe I am protecting myself,

but I sit in my cocoon of 

falsities begging for my self 

to proclaim me. I need to tear

these artificial needs from the

silken threads of confinement

and burst forth as a butterfly

anew.

Anew, why does this stir a 

deeper want, no need in my

frigid soul. I have to apologize

but I don't feel as if that 

is enough to satisfy.

I want to heal people. Physically and spiritually. I need to learn about the healing arts of plants. I need to figure out how to begin. The start of any problem is my toughest part. After that the solution seems to display itself before me. Life is about the same way. I fumble in the dark for the light switch, once I find it everything is lit around me. It is open for the discoveries. 

I stand here marveling in the glory of it's beauty. The ocean breathes; filling her lungs with the ebbing tide. Her lungs expand outward, she holds her breath, knowing what is to come. It begins as a whisper of release, then she cannot hold it in anymore and her breath erupts in a crash of foam.

My eyes hurt with the beauty of this place. I am in love. This is meant to be.

"observe the mind. smile at it." Power of Now (54)

I find myself constantly doing that. I feel a release by this - I am allowing my mind to be, it doesn't like that reaction - which tends to make me laugh out loud, literally. People are always asking me why I am laughing. My reply tends to be 'I'm laughing at myself.' Which I am but if only they truly knew.

In the past I have acted like a peacock - displaying my best feathers to those who were better. Instead of being humble I built myself a cloak of power, parading my best qualities around. But there was a deep-seated fear behind that veil. I now accept my faults. I now accept all of me. I now forgive. Now I need to humble myself before the world of pure is-ness and kneel so that my true power of love can manifest itself within me and as me. The humane will see this and proper journeys will show themselves. I don't need a specific place or more time to learn more about myself. The TIME is now. Release. Forgive. Accept.

Love for me is complete acceptance. The desire for me to be able to stand stark naked without the cloak of shame, without the cloak of guilt or sadness or avoidance. In that nakedness all of my faults, guilts, frustrations, and quirks are alined into words. My past, present, and future meet into one moment of clarity. In this nakedness I am completely accepted by myself within myself. That is true love of oneself. Love through someone else would be for them to see all of that nakedness, truth and self-acceptance. To be able to stand in that moment with or without their cloaks. To see the utter peace and truth in the still lake of my eyes. To then nod and walk away. A clarity passes from one heart to the other. No lies. Truth. Acceptance.

A partnership is like two prisms. Each partner is a prism reflecting the other's light. There is no absorption of light within the confines of the crystal. The true essence of a prism is to retract light in a different matter. A person's light is the elixir of their being. Even within light hides shadows. The beauty of the prism is that no specific portion of the light is selected to pass through. Every part of the light is retracted. It passes through and continues to shine. The light is slightly different because it has had the ability, the honor to be slightly shaped by the prism. But the core of what the light truly is stays pure to itself. That is a true partnership. 

FEAR. FEAR. FEAR. fear. fear…

What a weird word. Why place two vowels next to each other? Why does such a small insignificant word hold such a damning power? It dictates decisions. Dictates love. It dictates relationships. Fear is an instigator. That troubled boy on the playground whispering into the ear of the bully words condemning him to live in his shame, pushing the girl to tiptoe up to death asking for mercy from life, giving logic to monsters in our minds and pills of greed to our egos. It can be a MONSTER or it can be an ant. One is scary. Hard to concur. The other is manageable. Easily squashed. The size is dependent on the thinker. 

Spain 2012

Spain 2012, a set on Flickr.

Photos from my recent adventure in Spain, May 2012.